The Not-Outcast(3)

“Cheyenne.”

Aw crap. It was the counselor again. She was being more insistent, and I needed to focus. If I didn’t, she’d get mad. Then I’d be asked to leave so they could talk, and nothing good was discussed when I wasn’t in the room.

“Yeah?”

She was trying. I could see the effort, but even her face was tight and rigid. She nodded toward Deek and Natalie. “Your father is wondering if you feel comfortable enough to return to your mother’s care?”

That.

I felt a knot coming up my throat.

I knew I didn’t want to come to this meeting.

Deek cleared his throat, leaned forward, and rested his elbows on his knees. “You’ve been at our house for six months, and we’ve made accommodations and changes so you’d feel comfortable there. If you choose to remain there, we do need to discuss bringing Chad and Hunter back into the house.”

Hunter! That was his name.

I didn’t think my dad realized that was the first time he’d referenced him in front of me.

Natalie wasn’t looking at him. She had that same blank and somewhat peeved look directed at me. Thinking on it now, she looked similar to my dad whenever they had to deal with me.

Maybe they had mentioned the other brother before, but I didn’t think so. I would’ve remembered. Who forgets their own brother’s name? Not me. Especially not me. I’d never had a brother before.

Hunter.

Now I knew his name, I was never forgetting it.

“Cheyenne.”

I messed up again. My counselor sighed.

It wasn’t my fault that I was like this.

But it was on me to control it, so okay…

I had to concentrate here.

A deep breath in.

Hold—that never worked for me.

“My mom’s good again?” I asked.

Crap. That was a question, not a statement from me. I messed up there, too.

The counselor looked relieved. I was participating. She always got less snippy when I responded to her.

“She’s graduated to the halfway house, and she’ll be able to leave as early as this week. She’s reached out and requested to see you.”

I frowned. Why? I shrugged. “Nah. I’m good.”

All three adults shared a look at that.

See! I’m so focused here. Noticing everything. Every. Thing.

“What do you mean, you’re good? You don’t want to see your mother, or you don’t want to live with her?”

See her. Duh. It’s always the same. She’d come out of those places happy and hippie and seeing rainbows and talking about angels. She’d be nice, promising to keep with her yoga and meditation and the rules. Always the rules.

Life would be decent, for a while.

But she’d start smoking again.

Or she’d meet a guy and then start smoking again. I’m not talking the cigarette kind of smoking.

Same old, same old.

Then I’d get locked out.

I’d be on the streets.

I’d spend time with Herb. He lived on the corner two blocks from the house.

“I guess I’m good with living with her, but can I come back to Deek’s the next time?”

A look flickered in my counselor's eyes. She knew what I was talking about.

Natalie’s voice hitched high. “Next time? What does she mean, ‘next time’?”

Oh boy.

That answered my question. Natalie looked all panicky at the thought that I could be coming back. It was cool. I could stay at my uncle’s, I guess. My cousins liked me. They thought I was funny. Plus, I wasn’t scared to walk from my room to go get water there, though they didn’t have the fancy fridge water that Deek did.

Still. It was all cool.

I’d miss looking at Cut.

Gah.

I loved Cut. I think I loved him all my life.





*



So I went back to live with my mom.

She was nice, like I knew she would be.

Until she got bored, like I knew she would get.

Then she found a new guy, like I knew would happen.

So, the same old, same old happened.

This time I went to the shelter, but I wasn’t there long.

Something happened, so I stayed with Herb for a bit. Herb was cool.

He’s got a nice dog, too.

But somehow the cops found out where I was. I got picked up.

I knew not to ask Natalie or Deek, so that time I went to my uncle’s.

Things were good, until they weren’t.

Same old, same old.

But turns out, not this time.





*



I couldn’t believe they came for me.

I was more grounded this time. It was a whole year later. I was going into my senior year of high school, and this time I was with the normal kids. They got me meds. My uncle got me in to see a therapist who worked with me. There was a new county program where they paid for those services. There was group therapy, and yeah, okay, they sent me somewhere for a bit. But I came out, and it was like the world was shining brighter.

I’ve never felt like this.

People would say things, and I understood them. I responded, and they replied.

I felt like one of them, you know?

If you know, you know. If you don’t, that’s cool. That meant you’re blessed.