The Last Black Unicorn(19)

And then my future ex-husband starting acting weird, following me around the boat, filming me from a distance. And of course, Titus hated that, and he would yell at me about it, as the dude was lurking around, filming us.

What can I say? It was just all fucked up. But it gets worse.

The cruise was the week of September 11.

Of 2001. Uh-huh. THAT 9/11.

We were in Jamaica, and the Jamaicans started freaking out, talking about “Your Twin Towers are down!” Titus was all mad about that, too.

? ? ?

Once we got back to the boat, they were saying that all the airports were shut down. We were supposed to be back in the States the next day, but they were saying that nobody would be able to fly home. They let us stay on the cruise an extra four days, for $300.

Me and my auntie decided we would pay it and stay on the cruise. Titus couldn’t afford to stay. Why not? Because he and his $50 was broke as hell, that’s why!

I was not about to pay for him. He was so upset, so mad about that. He ended up having to sleep in the airport for a night, and the next day, he got to fly back to LA.

When we got back to LA, we were still together, but not really. On the one hand, we were breaking up, but just couldn’t seem to actually do it. On the other hand, I still thought I was going to marry him, and I thought I could trust him. I felt this way even though he would take my car and say, “Oh, I’m just going to go to the store and I’ll be right back.” And he would be gone for, like, twenty-four hours.

I just figured he was with his friends or whatever. I didn’t need the car, because I was at work, anyway. You know?

It didn’t really dawn on me that he would be with somebody else, because I thought he loved me.

Then I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do.

So I freaked the fuck out.

This whole pregnancy thing made me feel like such a loser. I felt so stupid. I still had all these dreams and goals for myself that I wanted to accomplish, and here I was knocked up by this broke-ass loser.

It made me really look at the big picture. I was just barely living in this little studio apartment. Titus was living with his mama. Titus didn’t even have a car or a job. He just came on a cruise with $50 on him. How are we going to raise a kid? I only make $400 a week at my job, and then with the Bar Mitzvahs, I’m clearing $2500 a month. That’s not enough to raise a kid.

I can’t have no baby by this man. I can’t even be with him. I don’t even like him anymore.

When I first told him, he wanted the baby.

Titus: “Yeah, that’s right. That’s mine.”

Tiffany: “What the fuck are you talking about? How we gonna pay for this? You ain’t got no job!”

Titus: “It’s all right, baby, that’s why they got welfare. We be aight.”

Tiffany: “Is you fucking retarded? I’m not going to be no welfare mom!”

I did not want to have an abortion, but at the same time, I did not want to have a baby with that man, in those circumstances. What kind of life would that be for the baby?

What if something happened to me? This man couldn’t even take care of himself, how was he going to take care of a child? If I died the kid would inherit what? A Geo Metro? That’s not a good inheritance.

And honestly, I was not ready to be a mom. I hadn’t even gotten to experience life at this point. How could I raise a child, you know?

I felt the weight of the world on me. I felt like if I had this baby, it’d be the biggest mistake of my entire existence.

I felt terrible, I felt like I was going to go to hell for this. But you know what? I’d rather go to hell and die without a baby on Earth, suffering, than have a baby here on Earth that suffered. That ain’t right.

We were still arguing about it, then he took my car to go pick up some food for us . . . and he didn’t come back for two days. Then he walked in.

Titus: “You should probably go ahead and take care of that.”

On the way to the clinic, he was trying to shame me. You know how when somebody’s like, they want you to do something, but they don’t want to feel bad about their role in it? They want you to take the blame for it, so they don’t have to feel bad about themselves?

Titus: “If you don’t want to do this, you don’t have to. It’s all on you. You want to kill my baby, that’s on you.”

I fucking hated him right then.

I remember the clinic so vividly. As I walked through the door, something came over me. I hate to admit this, but it’s true—I became very happy.

It was like a total one-eighty from how I felt in the parking lot to how I felt once I went through that clinic door. I felt like I was doing the most responsible thing in the world. I just felt really, really joyous. I knew, as painful as it was, this was the right thing.

You go into a room, then they put you on this bed. I was smiling the whole time. This one lady, this Hispanic lady notices.

Hispanic Lady: “Why are you so happy?”

Tiffany: “I guess because I know that I’m not going to be in this trap. I know I’m not going to be in the trap anymore.”

She just smiled back and rolled her eyes.

They put you to sleep for a little bit, for like ten minutes, and do the procedure. Then when I woke up, I reached down between my legs, and I felt the big ol’ maxi-pad thing they put on you.