The Highland Fling
Meghan Quinn
PROLOGUE
BONNIE
“What the hell are you doing in here?”
A frightened yelp escapes my lips.
My arms flail.
My legs launch me a good two feet in the air—at least that’s what it feels like.
The mug I’ve been holding slips from my fingers and shatters on the ground as a pair of ferocious green eyes meets mine.
Oh dear God . . . this is how it feels to be seconds from your death.
Kilty McGrumpyshire.
Wearing nothing but a pair of jeans undone at the waist and an intricate MacGregor clan tattoo woven over his right pec and down his arm, he looks positively murderous.
I’ve seen this look before.
He’s Kilty McGrumpyshire, after all. He’s known to frown more often than smile.
But this is a next-level murder look.
Like he actually just might pull the trigger and let his Scottish fury rain down upon me.
“You see—”
“Don’t fucking lie to me, Bonnie.”
That Scottish accent purrs in my ears, makes me weak in the knees, begs me to rip my shirt open and expose my heaving bosom.
Here are my breasts, you man beast. Take them as you want.
“Well . . . ?” he presses, folding his arms over his impeccably built barrel of a chest.
Does he really expect an answer?
When he’s barely dressed.
Hair mussed.
Lips moist . . .
Good God, things have gotten out of control. I can’t process a single thought without sexualizing the man standing in front of me.
It’s all his fault.
How is a girl supposed to get anything done when there’s a hot Scot prancing—well, not really prancing, more like strutting—yes, when there’s a hot Scot strutting around with his shirt off, displaying his perfectly proportional nipple-to-pec ratio?
It’s next to impossible.
I blame him. I blame him for everything.
Well . . . I guess if we’re playing the blame game, I also would like to throw some blame toward my best friend, Dakota, who got me into this mess.
Let’s move to Scotland.
For six months.
Get you out of this rut you’re living in.
Find joy in the Highlands.
This six-month endeavor has done nothing but make me realize how extremely horny I am, because instead of enjoying this country’s beautiful culture, all I can think about is lifting up every kilt that crosses my path and checking for underwear.
I’m a Pervy Pervertson.
And it’s gotten me in trouble.
Deep trouble. I was only supposed to be here for six months. I was supposed to forget about the brutal breakup with my now ex-boyfriend, ignore the fact that I’d been fired for the third time in three years, and admit that I have zero future ahead of me.
Instead . . .
I’ve become grossly attached to a goat named Fergus.
Emotionally invested in a town known by tourists for its Castration Stone, used by the Serpent Queen.
And I’ve fallen for the man who is currently staring me down, waiting for my response.
If I want to get any answers, I’d better start from the very beginning.
From the moment Dakota handed me her laptop to look at a post.
A post that would change my life forever . . .
CHAPTER ONE
BONNIE
Cake consumed today: One slice . . . okay two . . . fine, FIVE, FIVE LARGE SLICES.
Jobs fired from: One, making that a total of three jobs in three years. What a brilliantly terrible accomplishment.
Eviction notice: One, and not because we didn’t pay our bills but because we turned a one-bedroom into a two . . . illegally. Oops!
Days since last male-induced orgasm: Sixty-five, and it wasn’t even a good orgasm, just a twitch of gratification. A blip. Barely a pulse of pleasure.
Relationship status: Dumped and painfully wallowing in self-pity. Thank you very much, Harry.
This, my friends, is sad lady status. Enjoy.
“We’re doomed,” I whine, slinking down into the velvety soft cushions of our thrift store couch. “Why did I have to eat all the cake? Cake would make this all better right now.”
“Because your life is a mess.”
Dakota Dalton.
Fierce mother hen of our shared one-bedroom apartment, best friend since I was nine, and can be persuaded by any variety of cake, just like me. She’s working that whole Meg Ryan circa Kate and Leopold vibe with her blunt shoulder-length blonde hair and take-no-prisoners style.
She’s my rock.
The reason I’m not lying on the bathroom floor and purposefully giving myself toilet swirlies—thus is the current status of my mental health.
“How can you possibly be scrolling through Facebook right now, knowing we’re bound to be homeless in a few weeks?”
“Alcohol,” Dakota says, bringing a pink plastic cup up to her mouth and draining its contents.
“This is all my fault.”
“How is this your fault?” Dakota asks, pausing at a funny meme of a sickly-looking SpongeBob serving food.
“I don’t put good vibes out into the world. This is God smiting me.” I hold my fist up to the air. “I’ll be better, you hear me? I won’t eat all the cake anymore. I’ll give Dakota two-thirds of every sheet cake I make and take a measly one-third. That’s love. ‘Share with thy neighbor’ . . . something like that.” Pleading, I continue, “And . . . and I’ll really apply myself. Use this brain you bestowed upon me to truly max out my potential. I won’t go out with guys like Harry anymore. Guys who want one thing and one thing only: the sin of the bedroom.” I rub my temples, hoping and praying that any kind of zippity zap from above strikes me with an idea on how to get us out of this mess. “And I plan on really sending out my résumé. I’m not sure I want to do the personal-assistant thing. It’s not as glamorous as I thought it was going to be—one person can only pick up dry cleaning so many times before losing their mind. But I’ll find something. This weekend I’ll, uh . . . I’ll take a career assessment test. Yes, perfect. I’ll take a test. Multiple, actually. I’ll take five . . . no, ten. Ten seems like a good number. You like the number ten . . . Ten Commandments and all.” I smirk at the big guy. “I’ll take ten career assessment tests, and then I’ll apply to jobs that best fit my talents. I’ll make something of this life.”