Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)
T. L. Callies
Once upon a time…
PROLOGUE
The Enchanted Castle of Slumbering Beautiful
1:32 A.M.
A wall of mist surrounded a murky moat.
The murky moat surrounded an ugly fortress.
The ugly fortress surrounded a series of traps.
And the series of traps surrounded a beautiful princess.
Needless to say, the beautiful princess did not get many visitors.
A lone guard, whose duty it was to ensure the princess did not get any visitors, paused along the base of the castle wall to work a pebble from his boot. He hated patrolling outside the castle. The moat reeked, mosquitoes constantly nibbled on him, and nothing exciting ever happened.
Behind the guard, a black-cloaked intruder oozed from the depths of the moat and silently drew his sword.
But not silently enough.
The guard spun toward the faint sloshing sound — a sound that constituted the first interesting thing to happen to him in his entire career of patrolling — and he found himself facing a rather intimidating silhouette. He had to admit this silhouette might have been a tad bit more exciting than he had hoped for all this time. Ripping out his sword, the guard slashed wildly, but the intruder swatted the blow aside. A blinding flurry of steel and sparks exploded between the two until the intruder finally smashed the guard unconscious with a sweeping roundhouse kick.
As the guard slumped to the ground, one final thought accompanied his descent into unconsciousness: “Excitement certainly isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
After hiding the guard’s body in some reeds at the edge of the moat, the intruder shrugged off his wet cloak and revealed himself to be ruggedly handsome with strong arms, a square jaw, and skin that glistened in the moonlight.
With a twist of his wrist, specially designed climbing hooks popped from his gauntlets and boots. In another place and another time, he might have been called a ninja, but here he was just called a Prince Charming.
Leaping upon the wall, he sank his hooks into the cracked stone and spider-scurried up and into the castle.
The Bedchamber of Slumbering Beautiful
1:37 A.M.
Slumbering Beautiful reclined upon a luxurious bed in the center of a pristine marble vault. She was, quite possibly, the most beautiful sleeping woman in the entire world. As she continued to sleep her endlessly gorgeous sleep, a length of rope uncoiled from a vent in the ceiling and the Prince Charming lowered himself inside.
He hung above the princess, suspended from a harness attached to his rope, and gazed upon her with reverent awe. Carefully balancing himself, he leaned forward, puckered up…
…and the vault door slammed open. A second Prince Charming entered, slightly charred around the edges. He froze when he saw the dangling prince hanging mid-pucker above the bed.
Needless to say, this was a bit awkward for all concerned.
“Excuse me,” said the charred prince, coughing as smoke wafted from his singed tunic and scorched hair. “That’s my princess.”
“Sorry, I was here first,” said the dangler, suddenly diving in for his kiss. Before he could make contact, however, the charred prince grabbed him by the boot and yanked him back.
“She’s mine!” grunted the rope-bound prince as he struggled to break free. “Let me go!”
“I didn’t hack my way past a fire-breathing Dragon just to let you kiss my date!” cried the extra-crispy prince.
“You can kiss my scepter!” declared the dangling prince.
The two suitors became so busy grappling with each other that they failed to notice a grate in the floor as it scraped open. A third, slime-covered Prince Charming emerged from the sewer tunnels beneath the castle and sneaked toward Slumbering Beautiful.
The charred prince stopped and sniffed the air, his nose wrinkled in disgust. “Wait, do you smell something?” Looking toward the bed, he spotted the interloper at the last second and hurled the dangling prince at him. Suspended from the rope as he was, the dangler sailed across the room like a battering ram, but the slimy prince dodged aside and the swinging, swaying prince went ricocheting about the vault.
The charred prince and the slimy prince locked eyes across the chamber. Then, without a word, they simultaneously dove at the princess and collided in a flying tackle above the bed. Down they crashed and the bed collapsed beneath them. Because of the noise, no one heard the vault door creak open again, nor did they see the dashing figure of yet another Prince Charming as he stepped inside and struck a heroic pose.
“Fear not, sweet maiden! ’Tis I, come to rescue—” was all the most recently arrived prince managed to say before the dangling prince, still swinging wildly out of control, arced back across the room and slammed him into the wall.
“Oof!” said the dashed dashing prince.
This goes on for a bit, so I’m going to stop right there.
The Slumbering Beautiful Incident. Not a happy ending to that story.
Ultimately, seventeen Prince Charmings arrived to wake the same princess. The matter went to court where the princess slumbers to this day, pending appeal.
Everyone agreed — there had to be a better way to fall in love.
NOW upon a time…