The Mech Who Loved Me (London Steampunk: The Blue Blood Conspiracy #2)(3)

And that was all.

"After Hague, it took me a long time to find my place in the world too," Perry said softly, staring out over the gardens.

They both fell silent.

Nothing more needed to be said in regard to Hague. The scientist had been obsessed with creating the perfect biomechanical heart to implant in people. Unfortunately, he'd needed to experiment on real humans to perfect his transplant process, and he'd chosen young women whom he'd kidnapped right off the streets. Not all of them survived.

Perry was the one who got away years before Ava was ever taken, but they both shared the same nightmares. Ava had been one of his later victims, one of only two who survived the process. Six months of hell. She closed her eyes, taking in a shallow breath.

He was dead now.

Perry's husband, Garrett, had killed him, finally setting Perry free from the nightmares that haunted her. But Ava sometimes felt as though he would always exist in her own life, a dark cloud hovering on her every horizon. "I just... I don't know where my life is heading. I enjoy my work. It's challenging and I have value here. But I feel like I want more, and it's difficult to watch others who've found that more. And it's so horribly selfish of me to begrudge—"

"It's not selfish," Perry corrected, patting Ava's hand. "It's human. And it's honest. Why shouldn't you want more? And I know you don't wish Ingrid and Byrnes ill, you're simply focusing on what you don't have when you look at them. You'll find someone, Ava. I promise you."

She sighed. "You make it sound easy."

"It is easy, in the end. I never dared admit what Garrett meant to me. I never dared hope for marriage, or children, or even love, because I knew until Hague was dead, I would never get that chance. Don't stop believing, Ava. There's someone out there for you. Someone who will love you exactly the way you are, autopsies, rare plant obsession, and all."

"Well, I wish he would make himself known sometime soon," Ava said. "I'm nearly thirty, and the closest I've come to a kiss is my ex-fiancé, which was more of a swift peck against the cheek. I shall, however, draw the line if I'm nearly forty and still in the same dire straits."

Sunlight gleamed in Perry's golden hair as the other woman laughed. She'd stopped dying it black after Hague died and her true identity was revealed. Marriage and babies had softened her in other ways, and though she was the daughter of an earl, she'd decided to stay on at the Nighthawks. She was no longer the quiet, insulated hunter she'd once been, but nor had she returned to ranks of the aristocratic Echelon. Instead it seemed as though Perry had found some sort of middle ground, and flourished there.

Ava longed for that kind of self-acceptance. "I don't know where my place is anymore. Or where my future might lie. I just feel lost, Perry, and it's more than merely wanting a happy future for myself. Every day just seems the same."

"Then maybe you need to change something in your life? It seems from what you've said marriage is a goal. Not specifically marriage to Byrnes."

Ava paused. "I guess I cannot see anyone else wanting to marry me."

Paul's face flashed into her mind. He'd been her childhood friend growing up, and had promised many things when he'd proposed to her. Three days later, Hague kidnapped her out of her carriage on her way to Paul's house for a dinner.

Nightmares aside, by the time she escaped from Hague, all she'd wanted to do was return to her normal, small little life.

Except it wasn't the same.

Paul had been downright shocked to see her again. Especially since he was betrothed to someone else. Ava had never felt smaller than she did in that moment, and she'd wished them well, and meant it, but... he could have waited just a little longer. It hadn't even been a year.

"Mmm." She curled a frond of the nearest fern around her finger, letting the feathery tip caress her skin. "I think I am going to bury my desire for marriage. I just don't think it's ever going to happen."

After all, if Byrnes didn't want me, then who would?

"Don't lock yourself away," Perry warned.

"I won't." This time her smile at the other woman was genuine. "I have too many good friends who won't allow me to do so."

"I'm sure there's someone out there who is looking for a woman, one just like you."

"You have to say that. You're my friend. But the only gentlemen I know are those I work with." Ava screwed up her nose. "Yes, none of the Nighthawks are squeamish, but none of them interest me even vaguely."

"What about that big fellow inside? He kept looking at you today—at least often enough I noticed it."

A frown drew her brows down. Big fellow? The ceremony had been small, the guests a carefully picked handful of Nighthawks Byrnes knew, the Company of Rogues of course, and Ingrid's adopted family. Who else could look at her like—? "Kincaid," she suddenly blurted.

"Tall, savage-looking mech?"

"Have you had too many wedding toasts?" Ava blurted.

"He's handsome," Perry pointed out. "Clearly knows his way around women, and he couldn't take his eyes off you."

"I'm probably the only woman in there who's not married. He is the worst sort of rake! And he doesn't like me. We work together. We—"