Protecting Her(2)

“Still, I think you might need some help. What about Martha?”

“Martha and Jack are still in Europe on vacation.”

“That’s right. I forgot.” She pauses. “What about your mother?”

“No,” I answer quickly. “That’s not an option. Besides, she hired a nanny to care for me. She wouldn’t know what to do with a baby.”

“Pearce, I’m sure she took care of you at least some of the time. You should call her.”

“My parents aren’t even aware that we had the baby. And given that they haven’t spoken to us in almost two years, I doubt my mother would even answer my call.”

Rachel’s eyes are on Garret. “Maybe it’s time to end this. Maybe it’s time to reach out to them and try to be a family again. I’m sure they’d like to meet their grandson.”

“Let’s not talk about this right now. Let’s just enjoy the baby before the nurse comes back.” As I say it, she walks in and takes Garret back to the nursery.

Rachel falls asleep. I remain there, waiting until she wakes up again, then spend a few more hours with her before heading home.





The next morning, I arrive at the hospital at eight. Rachel looks better; more rested and her skin has more color. I spend the day with her, and every time the nurse brings the baby in, Rachel’s whole face lights up. I think mine does too.

Around four, the nurse brings him in again. I’m wondering if I could have them keep the baby here another night. Just one more, so I could get better prepared. Last night I stayed up reading all the baby books we have, but I still feel unprepared.

“Did the nurse say when they’re sending him home?” Rachel asks, like she was reading my mind.

“She said sometime today. I’ll ask when she comes to get him.”

Rachel leans down and kisses him. “I don’t want her to take him. I just want to hold him until you bring him home.”

“I’ll bring him back tomorrow.” I put my hand on his head, which is covered in a little blue hat. “What time should we come visit your mother, Garret?”

His eyes open, but just slightly.

“Here.” She offers him to me. “I like seeing you with him.”

I take him in my arms, feeling that warmth that fills my chest every time I hold him.

“How does it feel?” Rachel asks. “To be a dad?” I hear the concern in her tone and see it on her face.

She knows how much I feared being a father. And now that I am, that fear has grown. I have this perfect little human being, a son, who depends on me, and I feel as though I’ll never be a good enough father to him. But Rachel doesn’t need to know that.

“It feels good,” I say as I look at Garret, who’s now sound asleep. “I wasn’t sure how I would feel, but as soon as I saw him, I felt nothing but love.”

She puts her hand on my arm. “You’re going to be such a good father, Pearce. He already loves you. I can tell.”

I smile at her. “And how can you tell? He just met me.”

“Because when I was pregnant with him, he always kicked and moved around when he heard your voice. And just now, when he heard your voice, his eyes opened.”

“Perhaps I just have a distinct voice.”

“No.” Her hand is still on my arm and she gently squeezes it. “It’s you. He knows you’re his father and he’s trying to connect with you.”

I know she’s trying to assuage my fears, but her comment only makes me more anxious. What if I can’t be what he needs? What if he expects more from me than I can give him? Will he grow up hating me?

I can’t screw this up. I have to be a good father. The best father I can possibly be. I only have one chance to get this right. Garret is our only child. We won’t be having another, at least I hope we won’t. That’s something Rachel and I need to discuss.

The doctor spoke with me earlier and told me that Rachel shouldn’t be having more children. It’s too dangerous. Her pregnancy, although difficult, went better than planned, but then she nearly died during the delivery. The doctor said it’s ultimately up to Rachel and me, but that the best decision would be for Rachel to not get pregnant again.

“You should hold him now.” I give the baby back to Rachel just as the nurse comes in.

“We’re going to get him ready to take home,” she says.