Crazy for Your Love (The Boys of Jackson Harbor #5)(13)
Typical Sunday.
Most of my adult life, the sight of this place—these people—has filled me with indescribable gratitude that soothes my soul and washes away any angst from the previous week. But lately, it’s been different. Maybe because all my brothers have fallen in love, and I’ve felt a little lonely. But it’s more likely because ever since Max died, I haven’t felt like I belong here. As if I’m playing at a life I don’t deserve to be living and any minute, someone is going to yank it away.
“It’s the man of the year,” my youngest brother, Levi, says, lifting his mimosa in the air as if to toast to me.
His girlfriend, Ellie, nudges him in the side. “Don’t be a dick.”
“Language!” my niece, Lilly, scolds, sounding just like my mom.
“Thank you,” Mom tells her granddaughter.
“You’d think these boys were raised in a barn,” Lilly says, parroting another one of Mom’s favorite expressions.
Lilly’s stepmom, Nic, bites back a laugh. “That was quite a show you put on last night,” she says, studying me. Nic’s known Teagan longer than the rest of us. They went to college together, and in a roundabout way, Teagan’s the reason Nic moved here to take the job as Lilly’s nanny. If anyone knows for sure how Teagan feels about last night, it’s Nic. But by the way she’s studying me, I can tell even she is wondering how much of an act it was. Wondering what happened between us after we danced together.
I turn to Shay, and my need for caffeine must be all over my face, because she shoves a steaming mug in my hands before I can ask. This is the third pot of coffee I’ve been in contact with this morning, but I’ve yet to manage more than a few sips.
“I smelled the stuff Teagan was making,” she says. “You should teach her how to make it my way.”
“No one can make it your way,” I murmur. A groan of appreciation slips from my lips as I take my first sip. “And I mean that.”
“You were at Teagan’s this morning?” Jake asks.
“Mind your own business.” Ava scowls at him and adjusts my new niece on her hip. Five-month-old Lauren shoves her fist in her mouth and happily gnaws on it with her gums. Long streams of slobber trail from her mouth. Lauren has a head of thick, dark hair, blue eyes, and the most adorable baby giggle I’ve heard in my life.
Jake rolls his eyes at his wife. “You want to know more than I do, so don’t give me that holier-than-thou glare.”
Shay snorts into her coffee. “We all want to know, but they’re not telling.”
Things were finally starting to get predictable around here with everyone settled down. Nic and Ethan are married, as are Jake and Ava. Levi and Ellie are living together, and Molly and Brayden are engaged and planning a spring wedding. My little display with Teagan is blood in the water, and they’re a bunch of gossip-hungry sharks.
“Come get some food,” Mom says, sliding a plate into my free hand.
“Can’t wait,” I say. I lean down and kiss her forehead.
This morning’s exchange with Teagan must have worked magic, because I feel hungry for once. I spoon eggs and bacon on my plate and follow everyone to the dining room, taking a seat between Shay and Lilly.
I’ve spent enough time with Dr. Google to know my lack of appetite is one of the many symptoms of survivor guilt. Knowing the cause doesn’t make it any easier to chew and swallow when everything tastes like ash on my tongue and turns to lead in my stomach. The month after they pulled the plug on Max’s vent, I lost fifteen pounds, and I could see the worry in everyone’s eyes when they looked at me. I’ve managed to hold steady since, but not without a struggle.
“It’s like we’re not even here,” Shay says, and I snap my head up and realize everyone’s staring at me.
Did someone ask a question? I was lost in my thoughts. I’ve been working on that too, and getting better lately. Seeing Isaiah this morning drew me into a bad place.
And flirting with Teagan pulled you out of it.
“I asked how Teagan is this morning,” Mom says. “You two made a very handsome couple last night.” Of course. Because the expected conversation wouldn’t be awkward enough without my mother chiming in.
“She’s fine.” I shove a forkful of egg into my mouth and chew to avoid having to say more.
Shay grunts. “It was all pretend, Mom.” She doesn’t sound like she believes it.
“I feel so bad,” Molly says at the other end of the table. “If I’d realized how much you didn’t want to be auctioned off, I never would have asked you to do it.”
I shrug. Truth be told, I feel like an ass for essentially backing out. I should have let the richest woman in the room get her night with me, but I saw Teagan standing there, and I knew the only way I was going to make it through was if she was there to keep me laughing. If I had to listen to some woman wax poetic about my “bravery,” I might have had a total breakdown. My family has been through enough in the last decade. They don’t need to worry about the middle son losing it. “I hope I didn’t cost you too much,” I tell Molly.
“Well, your donation was more than generous, and I can tell you for certain we wouldn’t have made half as much without you there. The other bachelors went for more than expected, and we did great in the silent auction thanks to the numbers you brought in.”