Lakewood(11)

She flipped on the overhead light. It did little to fight the dimness of the room. Lena wanted to take a picture of it and send it to Tanya with a caption: “If Depression was an interior designer.” Instead, she changed into her gray clothes. They were comfortable. Lena stretched, trying to feel every bit of herself, from her tendons and muscles and bones. She wanted to listen to her body and ignore her brain, which kept thinking over Tim’s words: “You give of yourself to make your country a better place. You give of yourself to keep us safe.”





5


The first session was with a blonde woman who introduced herself as Dr. Lisa. She was the type of tall, muscular woman who, despite looking close to 50, people still probably asked if she played volleyball or basketball. They started the session by going into the small garden behind her office and walking together as the day slowly warmed, frost melting on the grass.

“How often do you read the news?”

“Not much. Between school and work and family, I always feel behind. Although, I guess, maybe that’s a good thing right now.”

“Still, how much do you think the news you read influences the ways you see the world?” A small burst of cloud puffed out of Dr. Lisa’s mouth with each word.

Embarrassed, Lena’s voice cracked as she said she didn’t think she could truly answer the question. She looked down at the daffodils, so bright compared to anything inside the doctor’s office. The sunlight made the doctor’s hair look more white than blonde.

“Do you believe in a higher power?”

“I want to.”

The wind gusted, pushed the daffodils around, trailed its fingers through the grass and tree branches.

“What are your views on how America treats women?”

“Can you repeat the question?”

“What,” Dr. Lisa said very slowly, “are your views on how America treats women?”

“I don’t think that’s a fair question.”

Dr. Lisa stopped walking. For the first time, her eyes were directly on Lena’s face, not on the clipboard she was carrying or on a bird’s progress.

“Tell me why.”

“It forces me to make an assessment about all women. I am a thousand percent sure there are plenty of white women who think America is great to them. But America is only routinely good to women, especially black women, when it wants something from them.”

“How is that different from men?” Some birds bickered on a tree branch, then flew off into the bright blue sky.

“I think men can be absolutely useless and a lot of people will find a way to say something nice about them. Especially white men. But a woman has to be something. If she’s not, you know, considered hot or the right amount of smart or good at cooking, people don’t see her. And if she’s too much of something, then many people hate her.”

“Isn’t that a little cynical? Demoralizing?”

Lena shrugged. The tip of her nose felt cold, as if it would start running soon if they stayed out in the chill air for much longer. “Sometimes. But most of the time, because it’s the way things are, I don’t think about it consciously. I just deal with it.”

“I think I understand what you’re saying,” Dr. Lisa said, her voice slow and thoughtful. She scribbled something.

Lena brought her hands up to her mouth and blew on them. Clapped a few times.

“I think you’re ready. Let’s go inside.”

Once Lena was settled into the large wing chair across from Dr. Lisa’s desk, the next question came: “How comfortable are you when people of other races attempt to talk to you about racism?”

Lena raised her eyebrows.

“That’s a good enough answer. How much do you care about other people’s opinions?”

Lena crossed her ankles. She explained that if it was family or Tanya, she cared a lot. But she didn’t have the bandwidth to care too much about what other people think. “I’m already tired a lot of the time.” Lena coughed. The small fountain on Dr. Lisa’s desk burbled water. Its motor rattled. “I lost my train of thought.”

Next, it was on to hypotheticals.

“Let’s say there was a car with its brakes out heading toward a crowd of people. If it hit the crowd, it would kill maybe five people. You have the option to divert it, only killing the driver. What would you do?”

She paused. “I guess, if I had to, kill the driver.”

“A person is plotting an attack against other people at your school. You have the option to stop them, but the way you do it will result in their death. Can you do it?”

“Why do you want to know if I could kill someone?”

“I’m just getting to know you. Now, what if a person was standing in your living room at night, pointing a gun at you? Or at your mom?” Dr. Lisa’s white teeth looked freshly painted. “What if a man was sexually assaulting you? How far can you go?”

Out the window was a patch of Queen Anne’s lace. A bee buzzed over it. Didn’t they hibernate? Lena had no idea if she could ask to take a break.

Dr. Lisa leaned back in her seat and adjusted the blinds. “Do you need me to repeat the question?”

“Thanks. The light was making my eyes hurt.” Lena’s lying voice always came out an octave higher.