God Bless This Mess(3)

We all long for connection, to feel seen and heard, wanted and understood. (That’s part of the reason we’re all living our lives out on social media, right?) We don’t need to be fixed or given a how-to. What we really need is to be loved and accepted. And while I sometimes have a hard time believing anyone should look to me for a list of what to do and not to do in life, I do believe I’m a girl who can offer some comfort—a relatable voice to help others feel not alone or crazy but connected as they figure out their lives, too.

My hope is that this memoir will empower young women to embrace the messier parts of their lives. It’s okay for y’all to fail, sometimes a lot, on the journey of life. When we embrace things not being perfect in a world that’s increasingly geared toward perfection, that’s when we get the chance to grow. That’s when God gives us a great big opportunity—to learn to live and love a little better than we ever knew how to live before.





Chapter 1


Say What You Feel


My first night on The Bachelorette, right after meeting all the guys who were there to be my suitors, I wondered whether one of them might turn out to be my husband—and I sat there thinking, I don’t think he’s here. I don’t think he’s here at all!

I knew it was important for the guys on the show to be hopeful—to know that I was taking this seriously, and that I did see a future with one of them. So when the cameras were rolling, I gave this speech saying the exact opposite of how I felt. I basically said I believed my husband was in the room.

I said the words that I thought everybody wanted to hear me say. And even though I wanted those words to be true, it just felt wrong.

Later on, after a lot of reflection and more than a little therapy, I started to wonder why I did that.

My whole life, I’d been told to “say it like you mean it.” To stand confident. Not just onstage (or on television), but in everyday life. But what good is saying it like you mean it if you don’t say what you truly feel? Why did I do that?

Why, as women, do so many of us do that?

*

My first concern when they filmed me getting out of the limo to meet host Chris Harrison in front of the Bachelor mansion was to do so without showing everyone my hoo-ha! My dress had a big slit in it, and pivoting out in a graceful and ladylike way was a real challenge. Once I finally managed it, I walked over to Chris wearing this heavy, nude-colored sequin gown that I could never afford myself. And from the very first step the gown kept getting sloshed with water, making it even heavier, until its weight literally cut off the circulation in my shoulder. (A TV “secret”: they hose off the sidewalks and pavement so it all glistens in the lights. I never knew that, but now I notice it in all sorts of shows and movies. Like, Huh. Why is the ground wet? It must rain a lot more than anyone realizes in Los Angeles! )

Anyway, they dried my gown with a hair dryer, and I took my place in my high heels, with the gown getting all wet again at the bottom. Then Chris walked away, and all of a sudden it was silent. I mean, you could hear a pin drop.

Oh, my gosh, I thought, this is it. I couldn’t believe this was really happening. But also, what the heck was I doing?

One by one the limos started coming up the driveway, and I felt like my heart was in my butt! Like my heart dropped so hard. Of course it was exciting, but it was also so much fear. I felt grateful, like pinch-myself grateful, but at the same time I was thinking, What the heck am I doing trying to find a husband on TV?

I was also super conscious of this massive zit on my face that showed up on that day. Of all days. Of course. I’d made it through all the preshow photo shoots and publicity with clear skin, and then right when I was gonna meet the guys, I got this massive cyst. I named it Marcus. And I swear I could feel Marcus growing bigger and bigger the whole night, as the guys got out of the limos, one by one, and came up to meet me for the very first time.

I worried that Marcus (and yes, we are still talking about the zit here) was all they’d see, not me! So the whole night I felt insecure. Which is kind of funny, since one of my primary goals that night was to make sure the guys didn’t feel all awkward and insecure.

I remembered that awkward, nervous what-in-the-world-do-I-say feeling when I got out of the limo for the very first time to meet Colton, on the previous season of The Bachelor. The season where I went from being just one of the thirty girls he had to choose from to being heartbroken, talked about all over social media, and ultimately picked as the Bachelorette.

It’s so quiet, I thought that first night on Colton’s season. There were multiple crew people all standing there watching, and the lights were in my eyes, and I swear I started shaking like a fawn in headlights in the middle of a four-lane freeway. I wished I had somebody there to guide me and let me know I’d be all right.

So when these guys got out, I just wanted to say, “It’s okay! It’s all gonna be okay. I felt the same way!”

As I stood there meeting the men one by one, other than my feet feeling like they were gonna fall off and the zit growing on my face, I enjoyed stepping into the experienced caregiver role for the guys, being the one to say, “I got this.” I truly wanted to put the guys at ease. I cared more about them than I did about myself.

With most of the guys, I could see that their hands were shaky, that they couldn’t put words together. But with the cameras rolling, I couldn’t tell them, “Forget about the lights and all those crew people. Just look into my eyes, and it’s all gonna be okay.” That would break the TV magic. So instead I just put on my perky pageant-girl smile and said, “Hi! I’m Hannah. So nice to meet you.”