The Wild Wolf Pup (Zoe's Rescue Zoo #9)(10)

I never understood how I picked living over dying. Choosing between my children, how did I make that decision? How or why I chose to stay behind for Lacey and not dive into eternity with Jack? I called myself a pussy, too much of a coward to take my own life but now I know why I subconsciously chose to keep breathing. My little girl needed me, and not just to be her dad but to be her inspiration.

Lacey was diagnosed as being bipolar a couple of months ago after carrying the burden of silence for as long as she could remember. I’ve lost one child due to mental illness and I’ll be damned if I will lose another. My Lacey, my sweet, innocent, little girl with a smile so big and bright she has the power to lighten even the darkest of hearts.

Fucked.

The world was so fucked, and those who survive it are the strongest of souls.

Bending my knees, I crouch down in front of my son’s tombstone and run my fingers over his name.

“Hi, son,” I whisper. “I’m sorry it’s been so long since my last visit.” I express my remorse as I recall the last time I sat in this exact spot. I had cradled my daughter in my arms as she cried and professed her truth, introducing me to the demon living inside her head.

“Things are better,” I start, dropping my hand from his name as I draw in a deep breath. “Your sister is on medication and knock wood, it seems to be working. She’s got Blackie watching out for her and I know he will lay down and die before he lets her fall into the dark abyss again.”

Silence, my heart heavy as I try to find the words I came here to say. Instead of finding my voice I relive the memory of walking into my house and handing over my daughter’s heart to my vice president. I remember feeling like I had lost a piece of my heart as I watched her walk out the door and climb on the back of Blackie’s bike. I stared out that window for a long fucking time before my woman steered me back in. I knew better than anyone what two little words could mean to a person, but the two words she uttered were two words I never expected to hear.

“I’m pregnant.”

Two words and I was back in the game. I turned around abruptly and pinned her with a look.

One look.

Some men wore their hearts on their sleeves.

Mine was reflected in my dark eyes.

“I know it’s a shock, and I should’ve waited for a better time—”

I closed the distance between us and lifted my finger to her lips silencing her.

“You’re pregnant?”

She nodded.

Sunshine.

Always pulling me out of my self-created darkness.

Always saving me from myself.

I dropped my hand, reached for her with my other, threading my fingers through her hair as my mouth crashed onto hers.

Two words that promised a future and gave me heart, something to keep me from being reckless.

The wind blew picking up the stray leaves that had fallen over Jack’s grave as I bit the inside of my cheek

“Boy, I don’t know how to tell you this,” I admit, scratching at the scruff that lined my jaw. “Your old man is going to be a dad again.” I laugh half-heartedly. “The way I see it the man upstairs thinks one of two things; either he’s giving me one more shot to nail this dad thing or he’s giving me another life because I deserve it. Maybe I didn’t fail at being a father as much as I think I did. As much as I’d like it to be the latter—I highly doubt it. I’ve got sins, boy, sins that don’t disappear, that can’t be forgiven with a bow of the head and a Hail Mary.”

Pausing for a second, I reach into my cut and pull out a pack of cigarettes. I stare at them before tucking them back into my pocket. I need to quit this shit if I’m going to run after a toddler.

“As much as I feel undeserving, I can’t help but stay awake at night and watch Reina sleep. I stare at her belly and try to picture what your brother or sister will look like. I wonder if he’s a boy if he’ll look like you and then I wonder how I will feel, looking at him and seeing traces of the boy I lost. Then I think of all the things you and I never had the chance to do together. I’ll be able to do those things with him and that makes me feel so fucking guilty. I guess I came here today to relieve myself of that guilt and make a promise to you. I came here to remind you how I wished every day since you left this earth for one chance to fulfill one memory with you. I want you to know that if this baby is a boy, he can never take your place in my heart. Every time I get a chance to do something with him that I never did with you, I’ll think of you, Jack. You’ll be right there with us, every pitch of the baseball, every goddamn time I take him to a game and every single birthday he blows out his candles…. you will be with me, right where you’ve always been, in the center of your old man’s heart.”

I run my hands over my head, angling it so I can stare at the clouds. It is times like this a man wishes he had found God instead of the reaper.

“And if it’s not too much to ask, pull some strings for your little brother or sister—talk to the man upstairs—the man that’s been looking out for you since you left me, and ask him to spare the baby of the illness your sister got from me. Ask him to spare one Parrish child the demons of his father.”

I force down the lump in my throat as I bow my head and reach for the cigarettes again. Fuck this shit, I’ll quit tomorrow. Shoving the cigarette between my lips a hand falls to my shoulder as I pat my pockets searching for a lighter.