Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(5)
I’m sure our classmates knew they never had a chance. There was no way Branch or I would allow for them to. We’d already laid claim to her, not understanding that one day she’d have to choose one of us. Never in a million years could I have accepted that she chose Branch if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.
I’d like to say her decision came out of left field. I think I wouldn’t have as many regrets if I didn’t feel as if it were my fault that it happened. Certainly there was a reason why she chose him over me. I mean, it made no sense at all. He’d picked on her until she lost it and came running to me more times than I could count. I’d waited my whole life to make her mine, only to have my own brother step forward and take her away.
The first time I saw them sneaking off to be together I felt my heart being ripped from my chest. I hadn’t confessed my love, yet knew my brother was fully aware of my feelings. Our secret hide-out in the tree house became unbearable to visit. I couldn’t sit opposite them and see them having their own first time experiences without me. I couldn’t pretend that every little touch didn’t make my stomach turn and fuel my anger.
No longer could I look Kat in the eyes and not feel anguish because I’d missed my opportunity. For a while I wanted to tell on them, to get them into trouble so they couldn’t be together. Then I went through a phase where I presumed she’d dump my brother and realize it was me she was in love with. Day after day I watched them desperately falling in love, and there was nothing I could do to make it go away. I was stuck living with it; with their secret because it would never be as bad as Kat having to live somewhere else.
Burying my feelings deep inside was my only option, but even that came with consequences. Branch could see right through me, and one night he let me know that I wasn’t going to get my chance.
We were sixteen, and they’d been secretly a couple for quite some time. He didn’t knock when he came into my room full of smiles. I could tell something monumental had happened, even before he confessed it.
He started tossing up a ball as he spoke, probably because he couldn’t bear to look me in the eyes and watch me hating him. “I never thought I’d gloat, Brooks. I told myself that I’d keep it a secret, but I’ve got to tell you this. I have to tell someone how awesome it was.”
I sat up in my bed, already knowing what he was going to say. I’d watched them making out, groping, and everything else that comes before the actual deed. “What are you going on about?”
“We did it, me and Katy. She finally let me get into those panties. It was scary at first. She bled, and seemed to be in a lot of pain, but I’m sure the next time will be even better, because we’ll know what to expect.”
How was I supposed to sit there and listen to him bragging? “Congrats to you, I guess.”
“You’re probably pissed she picked me, aren’t you?”
“No.” I shook my head and looked away, unable to lie to his face. “It’s great. I’m happy for you. She obviously made the right choice.” The bile was rising in my throat as I began fighting back the agonizing jealousy. This was bitter, ugly, and it was destroying me from the inside out.
We heard someone walking into the bathroom, and I could tell Branch was worried our parents were awake and listening. “I better get back to bed. Don’t tell Katy I told you. She made me promise to keep it a secret, especially from you.”
I don’t even know if I held in my first tear until my door shut. I lost control, over not just my emotions, but also my heart. For so long I’d assured myself she’d come running to me. I could feel our connection, knowing that there was still something between us. How could I have been so mistaken? Was I blind? Had Branch been right all along? Was I only a dear friend to Kat, and nothing more?
Like a little child, I bawled myself to sleep, with images of my brother screwing the love of my life.
After that night it became even more difficult to hang out with them. I could feel myself withdrawing, but they didn’t seem to care. Even though they attempted to include me, I knew it was only to cover up the fact that they were a couple to our parents. I hated being used for their benefit and knew I had to make a change to rectify the situation. I was inadequate.
For a few months I was good about keeping my distance. I started talking to other girls, but only to attempt to get Kat out of my head. It was quite ridiculous since she lived in the same house as me. How was one to forget someone they saw every single day, sat across from at the table, and brushed their teeth alongside of?
Reluctantly I turned my pain into something else. Fueled by jealousy and regret, I distanced myself more from the two lovebirds, becoming troublesome to hide the brutal truth of what I knew I’d never have.
It was hard to imagine loathing both of them, but with each day came the hope of being able to finally rid myself of the constant ache I had in my heart.
It wasn’t always bad though. On occasion Kat and my mom would go out for hours, shopping and doing what females liked to do. In those instances Branch and I were cool. I didn’t hate him for loving her. I hated myself for not being brave enough to tell her first. For that reason I’d be forever envious of his life, hoping someday to replace my feelings for Kat with someone that I could have wholeheartedly. Until that day came I’d continue wishing she was mine; and just hoping for the moment when she’d realize that she’d made the wrong choice.