Keep Quiet(11)

“Also it’s going to rain all night. Do you think she’s out there … in the rain?”

Jake hadn’t known it was raining. Pam’s blackout shades muffled sound, too. “I don’t want you to think about that anymore. What’s done is done. These first few days are going to be hard, I know, because you’re a good kid and you feel terrible.”

“I do, I feel terrible. I keep wondering who she was. I keep thinking about her.”

Jake squeezed his shoulder. “I know, but we need to stay the course. Keep it to yourself, and obviously, don’t say anything to any of your friends or anyone on the team.”

“I wouldn’t, Dad. I’m not stupid.”

“I know, but you’re feeling bad and you could open up to people”—Jake didn’t know where he was going with this, so he let it go—“anyway, enough said. We did the right thing, in the circumstances.”

“What? You really think we did the right thing? I don’t.”

“Listen, I’m your father and my job is to protect you. I feel horrible about what we did and if I could bring her back, I would. I tried to. I made the best decision I could on the spot, and in that moment, my first concern is always you.”

Jake’s chest tightened as he tried to explain the inexplicable.

“Look. If there were any chance of saving her life, I never would’ve left. But she was gone. It was an accident, I don’t know what purpose would have been served by your going to jail for a long, long time. Then two lives would have been destroyed, instead of one.”

“So you think it was the wrong thing, too.”

“Okay, yes, right.”

“It was the wrong thing. We did the wrong thing.”

“Yes, we did. Well, I did the wrong thing, for a good reason.”

“What does that mean?”

“Forget it.” Jake raked his hand through his hair. He had done the wrong thing. He had acted too fast. He should have called the cops and taken the blame himself. Maybe Ryan could have held it together under questioning. Maybe Ryan could have run home, though it was miles away. Or hid in the woods. Or whatever. He hadn’t had time to think, on the scene. Either way, it was too late now.

“So then, maybe, we could change our minds. Could we do that?”

“No, we can’t,” Jake answered, more sharply than he intended. Moose lifted his head, then thumped his tail on the comforter, whomp whomp whomp.

“No, Dad, listen to me. I was thinking, couldn’t we go to the police now and tell them that we left, but we’re sorry we left … and tell them all about what happened?”

“No, we couldn’t, no.” Jake had been second-guessing himself, too, but he kept coming out in the same place. “Once we left the scene, we left the scene, and if they were to test you, they would find marijuana in your system. I think that stays in your system for days.”

“I know, they give us random drug tests on the team. They just tested us yesterday for the playoffs. That’s why we figured it was okay to smoke.”

“It ends now, Ryan. No more smoking.”

“Yes, agreed, of course, but maybe if we explained to them that I wasn’t high when I hit her, that it was a blind curve, they would—”

“Understand? Let it go? It doesn’t work that way, buddy.”

“No, I know they wouldn’t let me off or anything, but maybe I would get probation, or I wouldn’t go to prison for that long—”

“No, this was the right thing.”

Ryan scoffed. “Dad, it’s not the right thing. Stop saying that.”

Jake cringed. “Fair enough. But it’s the only thing we could do, and if it makes you feel any better, please remember it wasn’t your decision. It was my decision, and I think the thing to do, from here on out, is for you to live your life. It’s going to be hard in the beginning, but then it will get easier, I promise.”

“Why will it get easier?” Ryan asked, incredulous.

“Time changes things. It makes things easier.”

“Dad, I killed that lady. That’s wrong, like, forever. Time doesn’t change that.”

Jake felt a stab of sympathy for him, so deep it felt like a knife wound. He had no immediate reply, because Ryan’s reasoning was logical, and in fact, he sounded just like his mother. Meantime, Moose had awakened and was stutter-stepping to them on the bed, then he plopped his feathery butt down and opened his mouth, so that his tongue lolled out. Jake decided to change tacks with Ryan. “So what are you doing tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. After this, I feel—”

“No, what were you going to do tomorrow, before this happened?”

“Well, it’s Saturday. Chemistry, Algebra. You know, homework.” Ryan shrugged, and Moose lay down, tucking his muzzle between his meaty front paws.

“Okay, so do your homework. Do everything you would do. Go out on that date, with that blonde, Janine Mae—”

“Dad, are you serious right now? That’s not possible.”

“I know it’s not easy, but it’s the only way, and we did this so you can have a life. So live your life.”

“Is that why we did it? For me?”

“No, well, for us both.”