Blood Oath (The Darkest Drae Book 1)(20)
The stone room stole my attention as I wiped at my blurry eyes again. Despite being a servant’s quarters, it was finer than our house.
She grabbed another handful of hair so hard my scalp tingled. Confusion overtook the numbness, and I whispered, “Why are you doing this to me?”
The girl sniffed and continued her snipping. I didn’t for one second think she was feeling sorry for me.
“What did Irrik drag you in for?” she asked.
“I’m not a rebel.”
The woman came around to stand in front of me and lifted my chin, pinching it. “Listen to me, and listen good. There is a one-way path from here. There’s no happy ending for you now, but there are ways to make your life less painful. So, you better get smart quick, missy, or he’ll break you before you can blink.” The girl’s fierce stare turned inward. “He breaks everyone in the end.”
“Even you?” I mumbled.
She stepped to the side, revealing the reflective surface. The girl staring back at me had only tufts of brown hair standing in uneven chunks. My eyes, a purple-gray that people described as lavender, were rimmed and puffy, the color now resembling a watery gray. My skin was now the same splotchy color as the girl standing next to me, but mine was still smooth and unmarred.
The girl studied my appearance with obvious disapproval. Then she answered, “The best you can hope for is to find a place they can’t touch and know the rest isn’t necessary for survival. Your body is a shell. Your skin—the wrapping. Your will, theirs. But somewhere deep inside you, there is a place, whether you see it as the corner of your mind, your heart, your soul, whatever, and that part is yours. That is the difference amongst the people here. Figure out what’s necessary, and let everything else go.”
She had to be younger than I was, but I felt like a toddler in her presence. Even so, something deep within protested what she said. To give up everything I was except a sliver of my soul? I didn’t think I could live that way. How would I determine what was necessary?
The girl placed the scissors in the drawer and dusted off her white apron. “I’ve done the best I can with what I’ve got. Now, we need to go. I’m only showing you to the throne room, mind you.”
My mind felt as though I was clawing out of a fog. It felt . . . familiar.
The girl continued her morose chatter as she led me from the washroom. “Most days, I don’t know why I don’t just give up and become fertilizer for the fields like everyone else. Did you know that King Irdelron heard decomposing matter nourishes the soil? The bodies are piling up out there now; my friends, my family. Beats me why I keep trying, but I do. I think it’s just habit. Ain’t that awful?” She smiled sadly at me, her scars pulling tight. “Maybe it’s because the crops ain’t gotten no better for it. I could never abide waste.”
A gruesome image of a field of dead bodies flashed through my mind, and my stomach churned. Then an image of my mother flashed across my mind, dagger in chest, and I searched blindly for a wall to support me. My mind experienced the same snapping sensation of an hour before as it cleared.
Kiss fog. My hate for Lord Irrik returned and multiplied until I was shaking as memories assaulted me once more. I wiped my lips. How long had I been out of it? Minutes? Hours? I could’ve been escaping this whole time.
“That bastard,” I hissed, and then I scrubbed at my lips.
“Shh,” she hissed, glaring at me. “Don’t even think—oh, you’re talking about Lord Irrik?” She chuckled then whispered to me, “Don’t be upset with him. He didn’t mean nothin’ by it, ’cept to help. Usually, he doesn’t even bring anyone in. He’s not the worst of the two. That’s for sure.”
Not the worst of the two. Was that meant to be a recommendation? I’d claw his eyes out if I ever got a chance. A part of me saw that my bitter hatred for the Drae was incased by large doses of my own guilt and self-hatred, but whatever my role had been in Mum’s . . . death—I pulled in a ragged gulp of air—he’d definitely played a part by signaling the king’s guard to follow me in the first place. We hustled through a passageway the size of my entire street, and my heart began to thud as the last of Lord Irrik’s kiss wore off. Guards lined both sides of the hall as we neared a huge set of double doors, which extended to the ceiling and were covered in gilded designs.
The guards were dressed in their navy aketons with black trim, each holding a spear with a sword strapped at his side. They didn’t look at us as we passed. But I felt their complete attention on me and picked up my pace.
What would happen beyond those doors? I scrambled to make sense of what had happened thus far: Irrik had followed me, set tails on me, and when the guards came, Mum . . . I squeezed my eyes shut and saw her blood everywhere. She’d taken my place. There was something I was missing, and it made me want to pull out what remained of my hair.
On the surface, the king thought I was a rebel, and what I said next would determine if I lived or died. I knew that. But there was something more, a whole other importance that mother was terrified to have the king know, something she was willing to die for. Or she could’ve tried to run with me. She’d been trying to keep me from notice. She’d had a blade with Phaetyn blood.
As we reached the gilded doors, I forced my legs to move, certain I was about to die.
I wished there was a way to get a message to Dyter. To Arnik. To anyone. I didn’t want to die without saying goodbye. They’d find my mother’s body and would never know what happened to me. I chewed on the side of my lip and ran my hand through my hair—what was left of it—and a few long strands, which must’ve been missed when the girl cut it, came off in my fingers.