Today Tonight Tomorrow(15)
“I pity the person who tries.”
It’s an unusual moment of accord between us.
“According to Principal Meadows, you speak about a hundred languages,” I continue. “So emojis might not be advanced enough to describe you.”
“True,” he says, “but I’m shocked you’d pass up the opportunity to tell me I’m the poop emoji.”
“If you feel that’s the emoji that captures the essence of Neil McNair, who am I to disagree?”
A chirp from his jacket pocket ends our emoji debate. He pulls out his phone, frowns.
“Did you get a notification that you actually flunked AP Lit and you’re not valedictorian after all?”
“Oh, I still am.” He sends a quick message before sliding the phone back into his pocket, but the frown doesn’t leave his face.
If he were anyone else, I’d ask if something’s wrong.
But he is Neil McNair, and I’m not sure how.
I’m not sure what we are.
A silence falls over us, a strange and anxious one that makes me stare at my flats, cross and uncross my ankles, tap my nails against my backpack. McNair and I don’t do silences. We are arguments and threats. Fireworks and flames.
Not anymore, you aren’t, a voice in the back of my head reminds me. Number ten on my success guide, the final chapter in my book o’ failures.
He drums his knuckles on his yearbook, which I realize he’s carrying, and clears his throat. “So—um. I was wondering. If you’d maybe sign my yearbook?”
I gape at him, convinced it’s a joke. Except I have no clue what the punch line is. The words “Sure, why not?” dangle on the tip of my tongue.
What comes out instead is the single word right in the middle: “Why?” I manage to utter it in the most obnoxious voice imaginable. And I regret it instantly.
His eyebrows crease together. It’s an expression I’ve never seen on his face, not in the four years I’ve sparred with him.
It’s something a little like hurt.
“Never mind,” he says, pushing his glasses back up without looking at me. “I understand.”
“Neil,” I start, but again, the words tangle behind my teeth. If I insisted on signing his yearbook, what would I write? That he’s been a formidable opponent too? Freaking HAGS, like an amateur? I’ll do it, if that’s what he wants. Anything to make this less awkward, to restore the balance between us.
“Rowan. It’s fine. Really.” He stands and dusts off his too-short suit pants. “See you at graduation. I’ll be the one whose speech comes after yours.”
The use of my real name startles me, pulls my heart into a strange rhythm. Rowan sounds soft in his voice. Uncertain.
I guess this is one of the last times I’ll hear it.
Text conversation between Rowan Roth and Neil McNair February of freshman year
UNKNOWN NUMBER
This is Neil McNair’s number.
I love group projects designed to give two people the same grade even when one of them clearly does more of the work
UNKNOWN NUMBER
Hi Rowan.
just meet me in the library after school so we can get this over with
UNKNOWN NUMBER
Near the section of vastly inferior literature with shirtless men on the covers, or closer to the real books?
Contact saved as McNightmare.
11:14 a.m.
GARLIC NAAN LIFTS my spirits the way only bread can.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Mara asks for the tenth time.
I nod, dragging a hunk of naan through tamarind chutney.
Apparently not believing me, she continues: “This should be an exciting day. Let’s focus on the positives. We’re graduating, Howl’s starting soon—”
“This samosa exists,” Kirby finishes, holding one up. “I’m going back for more.”
But Mara’s pale-blue eyes won’t leave mine. She reaches across the table, grazing my wrist with a few fingertips. “Rowan…”
“I guess I’m having trouble accepting that all of this is over,” I manage to say.
“It’s not like we don’t have an entire summer ahead of us. It’s not over, over. And salutatorian in a class of five hundred is an incredible accomplishment.”
I don’t know how to explain it. It’s not about valedictorian or the fact that as salutatorian, I’ll have to introduce McNair as part of my speech. It’s about everything valedictorian represents, a whole mess of things I’m not sure I’m ready to say out loud. Even in my head, they don’t quite feel real. What McNair said, about showing up at school on Monday… That burrowed somewhere deep inside me. There are no more high school Mondays. No more spirit days or student council meetings. No 5:55 alarms or even earlier McNightmare wake-up calls. And it’s not that I’ll miss the wake-up calls specifically—they were just wrapped up in my whole high school experience.
The bottom line is this: every time I pictured today, I felt a whole lot better than I do right now.
Kirby crashes back into the table with samosas and a welcome change of subject. “I can’t believe we’re finally going to be playing Howl.”