Downfall(6)

Orley



I struggled to find answers the next day when my daughter asked why I wasn’t going to work like normal, and why she wasn’t going to stay with Mrs. Sanchez. I’d disrupted her life so much already, I hated that I was forced to do it all over again. It was my job to provide her with a sense of normalcy and security, and since we’d been on our own, I’d failed spectacularly at both. I was fortunate Noble was such an easygoing child. She made things far easier on me than I deserved. She even stopped asking where Grandma and Grandpa were, which I couldn’t be more thankful for. I didn’t want to lie to her, to set a precedent of dishonesty, but the truth was even harder to try and figure out when I had to explain it to a toddler.

I kept her occupied most of the morning by playing games and letting her help make breakfast. I set her down in front of my used laptop with an annoying cartoon movie while I called around, trying to find someone to look at my car for a price that didn’t make me cringe. Getting it towed to a garage was going to cost more than I was willing to spend, and it was starting to look like I might just have to give the thing to a junkyard and take a few hundred bucks when they scrapped it. I half-heartedly scrolled through job listings on Craigslist and any other site I could think of, but all it did was depress me. The pickings were slim, and anything that seemed promising had hours that wouldn’t work for a single parent. I wanted to keep us fed and keep the lights on, but I also wanted to spend time with my daughter. I didn’t want to miss a minute of her growing up. It was a treacherous balancing act for me. These formative years were precious, and I refused to give them up.

As usual, I wanted to hit my head against the wall and scream in rage and frustration when I thought back on the recent events that landed me in this awful place. Every day I felt like this new normal was bound to eat us alive. Things hadn’t always been this difficult or complicated. There was a time, not too long ago, where I never once worried about the future, never gave a second thought to how I was going to provide for myself and my child. Those days felt more like a dream now that the harshness of my reality was so difficult to escape.

I looked up from my phone and watched as Noble did a little twirl and belted out the wrong words to the song squeaking from the overtaxed speakers on the laptop. She was adorable, and even though I was struggling to find something to be cheerful about, she effortlessly put a smile on my face. She always did. No matter how badly I screwed up, or how hard things were, she was a delight and the one thing in my life I knew I got absolutely right. She was the only reckless choice I didn’t regret.

Noble clapped her hands and wiggled her tiny hips with such exaggeration I couldn’t hold back a laugh. The sound brought Noble’s head around and she smiled at me, bright eyes gleaming. She ran across the space separating us, grabbed one of my hands in hers, and pulled me toward the living room where the movie was still playing.

“Dance with me, Mommy.” The words came out in an excited rush, tumbling over one another. She wiggled again, arms swinging and feet stomping on the floor. The walls in this apartment were super thin, and I was sure her impromptu dance party was going to annoy the neighbors, but I had a hard time denying her anything when she looked up at me like I hung the moon and stars. I dreaded the day she realized I was the one who stole all the beauty and ease from her life.

I held her hand as she spun around until she was dizzy. She collapsed in a giggling heap on the floor at my feet. I bent down and dropped a kiss on the top of her head, my heart swelling with love and gratitude. I didn’t have much anymore, but I had this little girl, and really, she was more than enough. She was everything.

I rubbed my thumb over her cheek and gave her a genuine smile. “Mommy has to go check on the car.” It would be a miracle if it was still there. But on the off-chance it was, I needed to clean it out if I was going to send it off to an early grave. There were things in the car I couldn’t afford to replace right now, like Noble’s car seat. “Want to go for a little walk with me?” I was going to have to find a replacement for Mrs. Sanchez sooner rather than later. I didn’t want Noble out on the streets any more than necessary. Especially not after last night. I needed someone reliable to keep an eye on her for me.

My daughter must have been thinking the same thing because her tiny nose scrunched up and she gave as fierce a scowl as a three-year-old could muster. “Are we going to see the mean man again?”

I sighed and smoothed some of her dark hair back from her cherubic face. “No, honey. I’ll make sure we don’t see the mean man ever again.” It wasn’t a promise I was sure I could keep, but I felt the likelihood of running into the thug in broad daylight was slim. And I was hoping the threat from my huge, tattooed savior was enough to keep the creep at bay. I couldn’t stay locked up in this apartment forever. I could hardly stand to be imprisoned within these desolate walls as it was. It was like a jail cell. Just the idea of shorter hours at work with nowhere else to be made me antsy.

“Go get your shoes and we’ll go. We can stop somewhere along the way and get ice cream.” I hadn’t managed to scare up a cake for her last night, so even though it was a frivolous expense I couldn’t afford, I owed my kid a solid, and I was going to pay up.

She came back with a mismatched pair of tiny Chucks. Instead of making her find two that matched, I let her wear a black one on one foot and a pink one on the other. It was cute and irreverent, just like her. After tossing my hair up into a messy ponytail and shoving my feet into my own battered Chucks, I clutched Noble’s hand and headed out the door.