Desperately Seeking Epic(8)

“They never make it this long. She’s a real gem,” the man whose name was apparently Marcus chuckled in a very non-accented voice, and his small but manly looking face lit up with a grin. In fact, I recognized his voice. He was the guy that answered the phone the day before. I’d imagined a giant on the other end of the line, certainly not “Marcello,” or Marcus, or whoever the hell he was.

I stared at them blankly, still trying to understand what was happening. I wasn’t an idiot. It appeared the little man had played a joke on me, but that just couldn’t be, right? This was a business, for God’s sake. You don’t do shit like that to your clientele.

Paul looked down at his clipboard and lifted a page, seemingly reading over something, but I could see from where I stood it was only a blank piece of printer paper. “You are . . .”

“Severely unamused,” I answered snidely. “Do you think this is funny?” I asked, looking directly at Marcus.

His head reared back slightly. Was I the first person to confront him over his “jokes”? “Yeah,” he snorted. “Actually, I do.”

Stepping toward him, I looked down, my stare burning into his. “Tell me, little man, do you enjoy using your short stature as a crutch so people can empathize with you? Or has being vertically challenged always given you a free pass to behave like a huge assclown?”

He glared up at me. “Excuse me? Vertically challenged?”

“Oh,” I snorted. “Please understand any empathy or politically correct standards I held myself to a minute ago are long gone. You’re a petty little shit who thinks it’s funny to prank unsuspecting customers who are probably already nervous as hell by making them think they are tandem skydiving with a man too small to do it. What the hell is a matter with you?”

Crossing his arms, he inhaled deeply. “I’ve had a lifetime of jokes played on me, lady. I think you run-of-the-mill folks can handle a few minutes of it.”

“Well, whether those people were average, tall, or short, you’re still an *,” I stated bluntly. Looking up to Paul, I said, “And you’re the owner, I presume?”

“That’d be me,” he confirmed.

“You condone this?”

“Life’s too short, lady. Lighten up. It was only a joke. I’ll tell you what,” he spoke softly. “You jump for free today.”

I lowered my head, attempting to calm myself. This was the most poorly run business I had ever seen. They had employees playing pranks on customers, no phone etiquette whatsoever, no one to greet people as they entered, and now they were offering a free jump to pay me off for offending me?

“Sure,” I agreed, my eyes wide, indicating my annoyance. “Let’s get this going.”





She hadn’t spoken a word since we’d left the office. We drove separately to the airfield. Every time I talked to her, she simply nodded to acknowledge me. Even when we climbed onto the plane and I introduced her to Sap, our pilot, she couldn’t even muster up a greeting for him. Damn, she sure was wound up tight. I mean, she was a babe, for sure, but she had an air about her I didn’t much care for. As if she was so much better than me. Whatever. Clearly she had a stick up her ass and lacked a sense of humor. She wasn’t the first one to get pissed over Marcus’s little joke, but usually we had them chuckling a little after they’d cooled down. But not this chick. Hell, no. I couldn’t even get a smile out of her.

As we were ascending, I couldn’t wait to get this shit over with, and send her on her way. When we’d reached 4,000 feet, I got on my knees and yelled over the engine for her to do the same. As I buckled us together, I could feel how tight and rigid her body was. She was scared shitless. Since the day was a bust and I doubted she’d give the business any glowing reviews or bring us any new business, I decided to enjoy myself . . . at her expense, of course.

Leaning over, I put my mouth near her ear so she could hear me. I paused a moment, not sure why I was so stunned by her scent. She smelled like clean linens; like when my grandmother used to hang my clothes out on the line on a hot summer’ day. I have always loved that smell—so fresh and crisp. “You scared or something?” I managed to shout after a beat.

She shook her head no as her eyes squeezed shut. Oh yeah, she was scared.

“Well I am,” I falsely confessed, hiding my smile behind a serious fa?ade. She glanced back at me over her shoulder with a wide, questioning look.

“You never know what could happen,” I continued when I knew I had her full attention. “I mean . . . the chute could fail to open. I could have a heart attack midair. We could land hard and break our legs. You just never know.” I looked at her in the most thoughtful of ways.

She turned her head forward and I felt her inhale as her back pushed into my front. Smiling to myself, I checked the buckles one more time and slipped my helmet on. There’s always risk involved when jumping, but I knew we were safe. I just wanted to mess with her one more time.

“Okay, I’m going to open the door and I want you to stick your feet out on that step right there, hands go here.” Taking her hands, I placed them on her shoulder straps. “When I tell you to, you’re going to push off the platform and keep your hands right here until I tell you to let go. Your legs need to stay between mine and—”