Say You'll Stay (Return to Me #1)(6)
“What aren’t you telling me?” She stands slowly with her eyes never leaving mine.
“Nothing, Mama.”
“Don’t lie to me, Presley Mae. I know when you’re hiding something.”
Her eyes study me. She’s one of those women who sees too much. She was always able to tell if my brother, Cooper, and I were lying. That is, until I started dating. Then it was a whole new world. I perfected telling half-truths and leaving out details she didn’t need to know. “There’s nothing worth repeating.” I release her hand and walk to the car. This isn’t the end of it, but I’m not ready to tell anyone yet.
Thankfully, my father doesn’t say a word as I climb in. Our relationship suffered when I left the ranch. He hoped that Cooper and I would run it together. His was not a dream I shared. There was a lot of anger when I decided to go to college out of state. Daddy refused to help contribute anything for school, and when I said I wasn’t coming back . . . he was livid. Bell Buckle was like living in a vacuum cleaner. It sucked the life out of me. I wanted more. I wanted it all.
“Mom?” Cayden’s small hand rests on my arm.
“Yes, buddy?”
“Why did God take my dad?”
My shoulders rise and fall as my head shakes. I answer him with as much honesty as I can—as though he’d asked why his father killed himself. “I don’t know. I really don’t. Sometimes things just don’t make sense. Sometimes we never have answers to these questions.”
I hear Logan sniff and then say, “I miss him.”
“I miss him too, baby. You have no idea how much.”
Cayden leans his head against my arm and I kiss his hair. This one event will shape so much of who they are. For all my father’s shortcomings, he loved me so deeply. His determination to fight for what he believed in is what I learned from him. But Daddy always told me and Cooper that anything worth fighting for is worth everything you have. He wished I didn’t want to run as fast as I could out of Tennessee. I’m sure he still hasn’t forgiven me.
“Sometimes, boys.” My father’s deep voice cuts through the silence as he continues, “There’s no comprehending why things happen. People leave you before you’re ready for them to go, but you have to keep livin’.” I can’t help but think he’s also talking about me. His green eyes stare at me through the refection in the rearview mirror. “That doesn’t mean you won’t miss them though.”
“Daddy.” I start, but he shakes his head, stopping my words.
“And you’ll always love them. No matter what.”
I squeeze my hands together and close my eyes. Daddy is a man of few words, but when he speaks—people listen.
My mother gets in the car with disappointment rolling off her. There’s so much to be said between all of us. Years of disappointment and resentment hang in the air. Right now, though, I don’t care about any of it. I can’t see past my own anguish.
I look at my sweet boys. I see their pain and wish I could take it away. But I can’t. All I can do is let them know that they have so many people here who love them. People who will always be here. Even if their father didn’t think we were worth living for. “I want you to know something. We all love you boys . . . so much. Nana and Papa, Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt Angie, and of course, me. You’re surrounded by people who would do anything for you.” I glance at my father, hoping he’ll hear my message to him. “Loving someone doesn’t stop just because you don’t see them any more.”
Both boys nod and busy themselves with their video games. As much as I hate those things, I’m grateful the boys can get lost in them for a little bit.
We return to the house, and I head to my room. Logan and Cayden convinced my parents to take them to dinner, so I’m alone for the first time since Todd . . . died. My mother never eats out. Everything comes from scratch. Cooking is her true love. Getting her to agree to let someone else touch her food is not an easy feat. Those boys know how to get what they want.
I flop on the bed with my black dress still on. Black. That’s how I feel—void of any light or color.
I stare at the bathroom door. I rise and my feet move of their own accord to the place where he was last. My knees touch the cold tiles, then my hands, before my entire body presses against the floor. I’m so cold, but I don’t move. Needing to feel close to him, my body touches the last place he was. “We had so much left to do, Todd. We had children to raise, vacations to take, and love still left to make. Our time wasn’t up. You promised me forever.” I curl my legs. “Forever wasn’t over. I’m still here, dammit. What do I do now, huh? How do I keep this home together? You’ve set fire to every part of our life! You’ve killed me alongside of you!” I shout as cries shudder through me. My chest heaves as I cling to my legs. “I’m so mad. I’m so confused. No note? No explanation why? Fuck you! I needed you! I gave up everything for you and then you do this? I hate you right now.” I close my eyes, allowing the tears to leak out as I fall asleep.
“Presley.” A familiar voice causes my eyes to open. “Presley, honey, wake up.”
I pull the covers over my head. “Go away. I don’t want to talk to anyone.”
It’s been a little over a week since the funeral. Eighteen days since Todd took his own life. I alternate between being awake and angry and sleeping. That’s all I can manage now. I know I’m not providing what the kids need, but I can’t find my way through the fog. There’s nothing guiding me. The haze is too thick, and my heart is too heavy.